"Do you want your feet rubbed?" He asks.
"Would you like some ice cream?"
"Are you hungry?"
"Do you need anything at the store while I am out?"
How may I serve you. What do you need.
And the big one was-taking Goldie (the sick chicken who wasn't getting better) to the vet to have her gently put to sleep.
I am the person who does Vet duty. But now that it's "over," he's willing to do just about anything to have a zero animosity split. And relieving me of having to do something that breaks my heart-that was something he would never do and he was doing it.
I'm trying, I'm really trying to be cool and to appreciate the intention but it's honestly pissing me off at times. You're going to be that guy NOW? It's sheer madness I tell you. A twisted new level of weirdness. To be angry about being treated well. But that's just old stuff coming up and the thought of "if this guy showed up while we were IN IT, while it was happening...it would have been a very different relationship. Now that it's over he is driven to make me happy...I-ca-rumba!!!
As he was taking Goldie out the door, tears ran down my face... "Make sure they put her to sleep gently. Don't let anyone hurt her. Make sure she just falls asleep and doesn't wake up, make sure."
His response was "I will, I love you."
Last weekend, I was away for the weekend so he had to take care of the chickens. I made a list and when I returned home, for the first time ever-he acknowledged how much work it is to take care of the chickens. He had no idea it was so much work.
This was good and bad news to my current over stimulated multi sensory system. The bad news was, we have been raising chickens for almost a year now and he never noticed how much work was involved? It speaks to the lack of presence. The good news is odvious. A sense of my reality. It is work and time consuming and now he's much more open to hiring someone to come in the am to help care for them. Which makes me very happy. They are beautiful, happy and well taken care of and I need to know they will continue to be loved when I walk out the door. I feel a lot of anxiety over leaving them.
And don't get me wrong, through the desire to create zero animosity-we are absolutely having breakdown after breakdown in between these moments.
Either his work stress is making him snappy or my need to feel everything as it comes up is making me kooky. Add to that, the death of two chickens in the same week and it's a recipe for overflowing emotions.
Fortunately, he will be traveling for work, then I will be traveling for health. There isn't a whole lot of time. Life is happening now. Moment to moment.
Both my son and his daughter now know what is happening. My son is a grown man and he knows I will be able to transform this into a friendship with no bad blood. He knows me. And his daughter, she knows she will always be family. She's barely here anyway because she's so in her own life. So she has a healthy perspective and is happy. These are the things that matter and have always matter. When you have two great kids and a lot to be grateful for-it's just sad when two people can't get it together when all other things are good. But in the end, we are just not meant to be.