For the most part, that has been ideal for me due to where I am in my life.
But what happens when an open hearted woman feels more than what something is? What happens when she feels that "Help me...I'm falling for this guy?' Is it just oxytocin or is it something else? Or is it a combination of things.
I just had that experience....I can share what felt true for me now that I'm no longer in that "falling" sensation
For those of you who haven't joined or don't know about the Love Affair with thy Self Movement...
LOVE AFFAIR WITH THYSELF: a feeling of great interest, enthusiasm, fondness and devotion to being the highest version of yourself. Created as an on-going, ever evolving process of exploring, experimentation and discovering yourself through deep layers of self-love. Fulfillment derived from within, which will then beam outward into the world.
You can click the link below to find out more about the movement. I must confess, it's currently on "hold" at this time. As I continue on my love affair journey with myself, my commitment right now lives in my writing. I am preparing to re-publish one book and finish another. Yet, similar to the magazine, the movement keeps getting hits, interest...living on it's own merit without my current focus (Same is happening with my son and all of the people I love...they are living on their own without my interference and it's been the best thing for everyone)
FYI: I'm always looking for Lovers walking the walk..Feel free to contact me if you are into the self love movement and have something for other humans that could benefit them. I'd be happy to add you to the page...
"You say, every woman has the exact love life that she wants. Do you honestly believe I want to be single and miserable."
And now that I seem to be playing for the "other," Team...again (This isn't the first time...)
More and more, I am noticing how funny we human beings are.
Married people are funny. They are either envious of single people or they wonder why (what's wrong with you) if you haven't taken the same life steps they have.
Single people are funny too. All that weirdness around being too smart, too fabulous and too great to be married.
Do you see how strange and twisted that all is? Married or Single....Life is good if we want it to be. That feels a little more accurate to me personally.
A few weeks ago (as I shared) I was out with a group of people. One of the men and I, I'd say we had some common ground that allowed for rapport. Some of it was parental, some of it was mid-life wisdom but most of it was unexpected. That's the one where I asked "What do you want?" so many times because he was saying a lot of nothing ...and instead of telling me what he wanted, he grabbed me, leaned in and gave me a kiss. It was all very Cary Grant ish. It was fantastic! And so...a new experience begins.
I was feeling pretty sure of myself...This would be fun and a beautiful memory. Yet, all of a sudden....
I spent a few minutes after my mediation laying on my bed breathing. I sensed there was going to be an emotional aftermath for me but I decided to keep moving the way love moves anyway.
The long and short of it is this for me, it was inside of the emotional aftermath that I learned so much about my own personal emotional/Romantic GPS.
And I'm affectionately creating this man as "THE CAVEMAN"
Caveman- An animal in the bedroom. Honorable outside.
Essentially, there is no telling me what to do, what to believe, what to wear, how to speak, what to speak and when to speak. People who think they have the right to do those things...well...let's just say that never really goes very well for anyone. Not them, not me...not the world in general. It's just not a good idea.
Yet... The caveman, was completely able to tell me what to do and I was happy to listen.
Why? Why did I listen to him, happily, gleefully and with extreme pleasure? Why did that make me feel so amazing?
The awareness that I was in a connection with an honorable man is what led to my ability to allow him to tell me what to do.
Now mind you, when I say he was telling me what to do...I am talking about moments where I became distracted. When I moved away and he would unapologetically bring me back to him. "no, I don't want you to leave" and pulled me into him. It felt absolutely amazing to me.
I discovered something so incredibly important about how I work and what works for me. Something that has been missing. Something that is perhaps "old school," and/or doesn't align within the new box of everyone being both masculine and feminine and your not "okay," unless you've evolved into a person who is neither or have both running perfectly. (I think that's sad but that's another post all together)
Many decades ago, when I left my sons father, we were both grieving the loss of our son. It was all very, heavy, intense and traumatic. I became the bad guy in so many ways. I carried myself as the bad guy for a very long time. It took me years to understand....
He did not take a stand for me or our marriage. There was no standing tall or commitment to hold his family together through the worst of times. To hold me through the worst in me.
There was only me absorbing being the bad guy and him taking all of the sympathy everyone gave to him. This was not honorable. Not to me.
I can't remember when, but at some point, when my son felt so sorry for his dad, it irritated me greatly because I felt that lacked honor too. I don't know how that would have went, or felt or if he had the power but we will never know because he never tried. Not once.
Grief is a unique thing. You never know what will come out, what will stay in, what will show up, what you will or will not do...not even once...while you are grieving. That's just the way it goes sometimes.
He has totally evolved since. One of the things his current wife says about him, so much is that "My husband is a good man." And wow, how great for him to have a woman in his life who sees, respects and honors his greatness. That wasn't my experience. That doesn't mean it doesn't exist. People grow, evolve and change...People are always becoming...thank god for that.
...sometimes it takes a very long time before you meet the person who you are supposed to be with. I do believe my sons father met that person when he met the woman who is his wife now.
I can also spot where and when I lower my own bar when the man I am with is lacking in honor. It's been this invisible thread all along. I didn't see it before. I see it now. I see me. I see what I do, who I am. I see situations where I feel a mans honor and I am incapable of disrespecting him. It's automatic for me. Instinctive. I see other situations where that honor is missing and at some point, I will disrespect him in one way or the other.
Most of the time, you do something in one relationship and then you get a reputation for all of eternity as being that. Or "that way" without too much consideration, consciousness or awareness that people bring out all kinds of different things in us if we are continually growing. There may actually be something like what I am discovering right now going on.
In my 8-Weeks-of-Peace Holiday Spirit this past holiday season...I selected 16 incredible women who are experts in their individual fields and together we created 8 weeks of giving our unique gifts for free to any woman who wanted to experience peace through the holiday season.
It was all so beautiful. Each woman was amazing. Yet there was one interview in particular that touches on what I am speaking of above as it relates to how we are continually growing as humans.
Rachel Scott was sharing a story about her brother and how she longed to be in connection with him rather than stay inside of her own stories about him.
I shared with her I could relate because I like to show up with my brothers with curiously and wonder because... while they are my brothers and I know them from our childhood.
I do not really know the men they are now. And then now. And then now.
Their essence and over all personalities yes, the areas that have evolved in them..that's what I look for. That is me trying to honor them.
I can not feel them or know them if I show up leading with thinking I know who they are already. If I lead with the stories of yesterday more than the wonder of who they are now as men. As men who have now lived their own lives and had their own experiences through living their own lives.
If we want to..I WANT TO!!!!
I'm in this place now. This incredible juicy, amazing, unbelievable place in my life. They call it mid-life, I call it...My NOW
And in my now...I have gratitude for my transient experience with the man who will always be "The Caveman." Keep in mind, that is a term of my endearment based on yummy moments where honor was all mixed in with desire, fun, joy...
What I discovered during my walk was the power of this song for me. No one else needs to feel what I feel, it doesn't even have to mean anything to him and this song doesn't have to make any sense to anyone else. The point is my own freedom. This song came on randomly, as I was listening I felt warm, full and complete. We get complete however we get complete.
Somethings enter and leave your life so very quickly, never to return...that doesn't diminish their value...
That said, I won't be holding onto this transient experience and this won't "really" be me but I feel so good to me personally to have more insight into myself.
It's very sweet when people have lives that they fall in love and have a life time with one person. I think that is just so endearing.
But for some of us...there is sweetness in falling, rising, and falling again because inside of that roller coaster...we learn so much about ourselves.
So what does happen when you feel more than what something is and you allow yourself to be in it anyway? Magic, that's what happens....
The purpose vs the feelings. What started out as me being a safe space for him, very quickly became a safe space for me...and so much more
Mahalo Caveman! Happy Trails