And so...Friday night was probably the last night...I will ever see or hear from my current transient connection.
People usually leave before they actually leave the island.
There is....making sure all business matters are complete, making sure all items are packed and ready, flight checks, times to figure out and more energy goes back home, back to "real life."
Feels like...I will become a nice memory, a distant memory...until the memory of me fades into the sunset.
Often though, as an observer of transient humans... what I get to experience is how different everyone's connection rules are. Their belief systems, their way of being. The lens in which they experience the world around them. In general. In every conversation..over all.
The rules of this man-and how he connected with me...fascinated me greatly.
Playing according to his rules-meant none of the other guys could know what was going on between us although it seemed to me -all of the guys -knew exactly what was going on between us. People aren't stupid. And I'm not stupid.
This meant-when we were all out...there was no warm, fuzzy, touchy/feely-allowed.
That felt dishonest to me and somewhat silly. It's not my thing or my way. At all.
But I was just a temporary guest allowed entry into a pre-existing brotherhood/co-worker man thing. Buddies...allowing me to hang out with the group. I respect that for sure.
Yet, that is also something that I wouldn't be able to endure past a few outings...past a few days.
If I'm connected and intimate with someone-I want to at least be free to touch here and there without being blocked 100% just because there are other people in the room.
I like my connections to flow naturally. That's a nice awareness- discovery for me. What difference is there -if we hold hands walking down the beach alone or if we hold hands walking down the beach when we are with others? I feel there is no need for such extremes. I couldn't live like that "long term."
That felt like the kind of "rule," that could easily lead to a lower level of affinity (unless the other person has that same rule) this is what's so cool about life and people and differences in how we all relate.
It reminded me a little of my husband actually.
Often, my husband felt so much pressure to please so many people, that great sense of responsibility-inside of that sense of responsibility- I did not exist. His affinity for me didn't exist. That never felt good to me.
Yet, when he felt free flowing-no pressure-he would put an arm around me, hold my hand or move in lovingly around others. And that did feel good to me.
What was interesting was...his including me in that way...Did not negatively impact anyone else. But not including me in that way, most definitely negatively impacted how I felt about him. Not including me...absolutely negatively impacted how I experienced our marriage.
I like when people have the capacity to show affinity and a little bit of affection and have that co-exist with being able to remain present with all others at the same time. As a general over all way of being.
Coming back to this connection in present time...
I enjoyed being with all of them. Fun and silly. I love watching men connect with one another.
It just would have been nice to have had the freedom to touch a shoulder or move my chair just a little bit closer if that's what I wanted to do. Without having to think about anything, withhold or harness something that comes very natural to me, to show affection, not just feel it. To not have to hide anything for any reason...and these types of situations helps me realize what's true for me, what I would want, desire or need when I find that next person I'm willing to commit to.
I think that's the beauty in any connection...self discovery.
I think it's weird when people are willing to go deep within each others being, then have that "it is what it is," attitude without reverence for the connection no matter how long it lasts, or what it's about. At any given time, in any situation, there are always two living, breathing people.
I'd like to think people my age are a little more wise, conscious and self-aware as it relates to wanting to keep things warm. Having it feel good as it starts, as it's happening and as it's ending. Why do we have different rules for different connections? Why can't it be the same rules giving just as much reverence and importance to who we are within the context of every connection.
This is where that whole "you don't owe anyone anything," concept gets a little twisty. Of course no one owes anyone anything...but don't we want to feel good in our own skin? Don't we want to leave people better than we found them or perhaps with some lovely memories and close it out with the same fierce interest we started out in? Or do we want to keep compartmentalizing everything into boxes of what matters, what doesn't matter? It's kind of tricky, that whole thing. It seems a little careless within my own sense of freedom and inside of myself. I always feel a little sad when I do not come forth in my own vulnerable warmth when something is ending. That could just be a Christina thing. And it could also be one of the tender hearted lessons I learned the moment Donovan died in my arms.
I remember when I left the barbershop. I gave 6 months notice and the day I left I gave everyone a personalized gift. That last day was a mess. There was a lot of drama and I think some of that had to do with the fact that I was leaving. Yet, I went home that night and cried for two days. I think that was part the drama but mostly, me having the realization that I had just spent the last several years moving so fast through life, I forgot to heal my grief. The day I left the barber-shop, the grief began to leak out...
Then again...leaving my marriage last year..that was rough on so many levels. Then again, the evening I was leaving to come here. Huge weirdness with a friend. There was no sense of "we may never see each other again, lets keep love and warmth as the focus."
These types of incidents...the careless way people part ways...and how sensitive I am to those moments...
If I had to pick...I would pick being tender, sensitive and being a deeply feeling person- any day of the week -over....being any other way.
To be all goey, soft, sensitive and caring...I really like that about myself. That's not changing. I'm not going to put my big girl panties on, harden up, drop my feminine tender heart for anyone or for any reason. That's my choice. In being clear about that, I am aware not everyone feels that way and not everyone makes that choice. That's my choice anyway.
What I would really love is an opportunity to say good-bye. A soft, warm place to close the connection. I realize, that's what I always want...with anyone. The warmth. To end things warmly. I'd like to squeeze and be squeezed by this man before he goes...
But if that doesn't happen, it's okay too. Life moves as it should.