In this space of agreeing to not move forward with one another and still sharing the same space while we process and complete the practical...I am able to see the vast differences in how our emotional schedules work and one of the reasons why it didn't work for us.
Something must happen when I sleep because I wake up early, peaceful, happy and in a very open and loving space.
Yesterday is gone for me and I am (most of the time) joyful. Aka a morning person.
Something must happen when he sleeps too because he wakes up and let's just say, he's not a morning person. Emotionally, he is rarely happy in the morning but he's also already mentally at work. An intense and important job that I know nothing about. What he does for a living is an entire world of intelligence that I do not have. It's always been as if he was speaking a different unknown language to me when he talked about work. And I bet he would benefit from being with someone he could share those things with who understood what the hell he was actually saying.
Mornings also seemed to be when his emotions, all the things he doesn't like-came pouring out and I wasn't able to be a safe container for him. Or, this was the time when he wanted to ask me a thousand questions about bills or practical things while I'm in flow.
Like an energizer bunny, he can't help but go to instant ZING. No matter how many times I explained I need to ZAG, his nature was what it was and mine was what it was.
Through the years we tried on different agreements. But in the end -I am a morning person and he is a night owl. In the end, My brain doesn't want to be disturbed in the morning and just having to get up disturbs him...but somewhere through the day, his emotions normalized. He was good to go.
What made this problematic was, I was left with this emotional mud I was left wearing and/or I now I had to take energy to scrub the mud off. And sometimes I've been unable to do so, therefore; sometimes when he walked through the door after work, and after he had his decompression time-I wanted/needed to return the mud he left me with that morning. And he didn't like that.
"Here, let me give you back the mud you threw at me, I don't want it. And maybe I will add some of mine for you. A little extra because I'm generous like that."
Rinse, repeat. Day.. after day, after day.
Sometimes there was flow and he did wake up light-hearted. I loved those mornings. I practically jumped up and down and celebrated those mornings... Even though that light hearted flow had nothing to do with me-I didn't really care. I just cared about being in the same emotional schedule.
I suspect for him, my joy was as annoying to him as his morning misery was annoying to me. It was very mutual.
He wanted to share his displeasure with me or more to the point, he wanted to share what parts about me brought him displeasure and I was unable to receive that feedback.
I can't help by think, by consistently focusing on what he didn't like about me-he was sharing what he didn't like about himself. Because I believe when you are happy with yourself, it becomes harder to dump on others. And at some point, it just seemed like a really bad habit he was unable to break.
They say we hurt the ones we love the most but I think you reach a place in your development where you are able to make a different choice. There is a distinction to me between feeling comfortable and being your true self at all times vs dumping your mud on others. It's a fine line I suppose.
But even this sense of awareness did not stop me from resenting him for not seeing me. For not caring enough about what he was leaving me with energetically.
Mud-rinse-repeat. That cycle has drained my energy. And the ugliest parts of me come out when I am drained of energy. And I do not like myself when I'm being ugly.
A viscous cycle indeed. I've gotten sick a lot through these ten years and I do believe this cycle and energy drain was a huge part of that. This is not his fault. These have been my choices. Not his. It is and always has been my responsibility to keep my energy clean. I've always known that. But sometimes I wasn't present to being drained until I already was drained. And that's a whole other topic.
This morning I was able to recognize this emotional schedule difference as an observation. As one of the "something's" that didn't work. And I was able to also recognize it wasn't working for him either. Not just me. I was able to see our natures don't blend well.
I found myself standing inside of the chicken coop this morning. Just standing there watching the chickens eat and I realized that was me hiding. And I would have stayed there if he didn't make a point to come outside. Which makes me laugh. Try to hide and I will find you anyway. So funny.
"What are you doing?" He says. Now he knows and I know, I was hiding from his energy and that's why he asked me that question, to see if I would be honest.
I didn't tell him what I was really doing. There was no need. We both knew...
But what I was doing while hiding was...
I began thinking about what I wish for. What I want for me and for him. It is very important to me that we both have access to a greater life and that our decision to end things is for both our greatest good.
I wished for him a new person who was also a night owl or who had the skill set I really do not have and have no desire to acquire. I'm stubborn like that. A person who would understand and be cool with a more rushed morning energy. Someone less energetically sensitive than me. Or maybe it's so much more simple than that. Maybe he just needs someone he is so in love with that he would just wake up happy. That person isn't me. And that's okay.
Then I visualized what I wanted. Which was a little different because I will spend time alone for a while. I already know what I need and want. To be alone. I crave that right now. I'm excited to spend my time loving all over myself because I've taken on too much. I've made agreements to do things and live places and a lifestyle that a person can't really do alone without being drained. Or at least I can't. And since I will be the one who is moving...my wish for myself, my visual didn't have another person in it. Just me. Happily being me. Freely being me.
My visualization was a space of beauty where I'd wake up refreshed and joyful and I would be able to stay in that space until I was ready to start my day. Slow and steady, peaceful and naturally. I visualized the sensation, I felt it. And all of the extra energy I would have just by being able to stay in my natural emotional schedule.
The thing about this relationship is, we have had many beautiful moments and we have made each other laugh. He always got a kick out of me when I would pronounce a word incorrectly. Which happened a lot actually. Or when my personality was truly funny which also happened a lot because I can be a very funny person.
And I enjoyed his Einstein appearance. He's the type of guy who always took his grooming very seriously. But at home, he'd wake up with his hair standing straight up and all over the place and I got a kick out of that. I didn't even want him to brush it because it brought me so much joy. Because to me, that uninhibited scattered hair matched his real personality. He is this brilliant guy after all with quirks and weirdness that was reserved at home and I liked him when he was free like that to be himself. It was my favorite.
And just when I was about to give up on him ever really seeing me, he would say something, out of the clear blue sky-.that let me know he did actually see me after all.
The last "seeing" was about my dedication to living things. He said "You're this fierce protector of life." Holy crap, the man does see me!!! And that would stop me in my tracks. I'd think "hmm, that's very interesting.
I share these things because it hasn't ever been all good or all bad. More like marble. It hasn't been this continuous non stop heavy yuck. It was much more insidious than that. It would sneak in like s tidal wave and then it would sneak back out.
And I can appreciate those moments and knowing each other's little weird expressions. Those are the moments I will be holding onto as keepsakes.