Everything in me wanted to write about the soul damage that occurred inside of me. I ached to share my story cause I ached to heal and I ached to help other women heal too.
What stopped me was not fear of being judged by those who didn't walk in my shoes...
What stopped me was the fear that I would be shot by some insane human pretending to be a servant of God and in their ignorance and insanity they would not care one bit by doing so-my son would be left motherless in the name of Jesus Christ and how is that even remotely "Christian?"
I have read the Bible upside down and inside out and backwards trying to see where the hell it says I deserve to be killed and my son deserves to walk through life motherless just because his mother had abortions. I could not find that passage in the Bible. But I could find it in the ugliness of humans and the heavy weight of shame landing on me so heavily I almost made the choice to not heal.
I am a mother. I love children. In fact, I love children so deeply that I helped two men at different periods of my life-raise four of theirs.
My story, which is really a story of Love and Loss can be read for free along with the other 39 fearless humans who are also courageously vulnerable...it's a worthy book and I am only one of many...
(You can click on the image and begin reading it...
Here is what I know for sure: there are thousands of good women who have been married, have their Ph.D's love God and they have also had abortions. Due to Right wing ignorance and people who claim and act like they ARE God (and they are not God) the layer of shame runs so deeply both men and women suffer in their soul and they do that in silence. This is NOT okay and this will never be okay for me. I don't care what anyone has to say and I no longer carry that consciousness where abortion is only okay "if." because I know first hand what it means to have a child die in your arms and I know first hand what it means to walk through that bullet proof glass as people are spitting on you, screaming at you calling you a murderer while you feel like the worst human on the planet already and you have to do what you're doing and get back to raising your child right after that.
And I also know mothers who have had to make that decision due to being on heavy medication which can damage a child's growth or a mother who walks into the clinic because her husband keeps beating her and she already has 4 kids she can barely feed but she has to keep her husband calm until she can figure out how to make her life better. I also know college students have not been properly educated around the topic of sex because their own parents are not educated on the topic of sex and it's just "don't have it until you get married" or the illusion of Dad being there is the preventive cure- as if a girl isn't born with her own sexual essence. As if Dad has a say in the strength of her hormones when they become activated. You have got to be kidding me with all of this ignorance. I can barely tolerate the illusions.
Most days, I am dealing with women of divorce. Good women, married their whole lives who now have teenage girls in college and these women do not even know anything about their own bodies so how are they to help their daughters know theirs?
Forget the question "Why didn't you use protection?" because that's a powerless question in a realm that is already covered in deep layers of shame. It does not empower anyone. It just shames them further.
I heard a story recently where it took one friend 12 years to tell her best friend about her abortion. She too was a mother, highly educated and her friend is a liberal. "Why did you suffer in silence for 12 years?" Is what her liberal friend wanted to know. The choice to suffer is a legitimate one. I can relate. I can relate. I can relate.
AND I REPEAT:
You can't empower and shame someone at the same time. It's one or the other. We are either teaching and educating young girls in empowering ways that are sex positive or we are leaving them to fend and figure it out on their own and I do not recommend this.
Today in a conversation with a highly educated woman -who dedicated her education and then her career to women's health, a pioneer in women's rights who is now retired and as passionate now as she ever was - about how "no one should ever have the right to tell a woman what she can and can not do with her own body"-informs me she worked at an abortion clinic through her career. She knows the truth. That women arrived traumatized vs "using abortion as a contraceptive" She does not have any tolerance for the ignorance of the right wing and neither do I.
It is not an easy decision to make and it's even worse to be in that room with your legs spread, and feel that horrible tug as they pull life force out of your body.
And I have noticed -I seem to get just a little more compassion and empathy from those who are hard core -only because I buried a baby and lost my mind for a little while after in my severe grief. But that's not really all of it.
The first person I told after the book was published: was a preacher who had about 9 children. I had no idea this was who this man was. On and on I went as we walked down the street. I'm sharing how meaningful this book is and my story and I share all about my abortions and how much shame I carried and how I felt lifted and I was hoping this helps others lift their shame too and then I asked him about himself. I was like "Oh shit!"
It was similar as saying a curse word in the grocery store and then seeing a Nun in line behind you, only 400x's worse. I thought "it figures and now is as good of a time as any for me to experience what it will be like to be judged."
This man did not judge me. Which began to restore my faith.
After that I met a conservative woman at a networking event. She bought the book and read my story. She was deeply impacted and changed. For the next few years she checked in with me periodically because my courage moved her very deeply.
Then men-MEN. Lovely amazing MEN. I can not even count the number of men who picked up their girlfriends to take them to get the abortion or how they felt about that. More than not, their empathy and compassion and their feelings about how that moment was the beginning of the end and how hard it was to know they were just as accountable, just as responsible and the shame they carried too. A little bit of shame was lifted for them too.
Eradicate shame-insert sex positive education and you got yourself a recipe for change and movement that actually has a higher success rate. Not just for our young girls but for our young boys too.
She said "If it can happen to you Christina, it can happen to anyone because you are a highly intelligent woman" and that's the thing-intelligence has very little to do with it. Many women who find themselves in places like Planned Parenthood are highly intelligent women or are already mothers or are married to one man and have been for decades.
Donald Trump is making an enormous mistake that will have consequences, such as the women who have children who work hard every day helping to educate the american woman who do not know anything about their own bodies or sex.
Here is who this man is:
Trump co-sponsored a dinner at the Plaza Hotel in Manhattan (which he then owned) honoring Robin Chandler Duke, a former president of NARAL. He chose not to attend, the New York Times reported, after his family was threatened by anti-abortion activists.
Oct. 24, 1999“I’m very pro-choice,” Trump says. “I hate the concept of abortion. I hate it. I hate everything it stands for. I cringe when I listen to people debating the subject. But you still — I just believe in choice.”
Russert clarifies his original point: Would you ban partial-birth abortion? “No,” Trump replies.
June 28, 2015Shortly after announcing his candidacy, Trump appeared on CNN in an interview with Jake Tapper. He got a little tripped up.
TAPPER: Let me ask you about a few social issues because they haven’t been issues you have been talking about for several years. I know you’re opposed to abortion.
TRUMP: Right. I’m pro-choice.
TAPPER: You’re pro-choice or pro-life?
TRUMP: I’m pro-life. I’m sorry.
It's like "Wait, I forgot what I am supposed to say to get elected."
As we grow and evolve we change our minds, however, this man has changed his mind to get elected and he's willing to cut one of the many things america needs the most which is: Sex Education. To me, he is a careless man. But that is how it goes. It's the right wings turn...and that sucks. Not for me because I'm old, but for the millions of girls and women who NEED what they need...This is important. I am aware other things are equally important and I am also aware it is not easy to run a country but this still...important and forget that crap of women should and men should because women don't and men don't and more times than not, you learn after something but you DO LEARN>
I make no apologies to anyone on or off the planet earth for my knowing. For speaking up. For not being willing to live and carry shame for my past mistakes. Or for seeing myself as a catalyst with the power to use my pain and knowing with absolute certainty my story breaths life back into others.
And no one needs to make any apologies to me either. I am just sharing on a topic that is important to me. Trump had it right in 1999. Sadly, and with great consequences...he's making a very big mistake.
And about God, spirit or existence itself.....I have been forgiven and have forgiven myself...That. Is. All
In the meantime:
THE POWER OF EMPATHY:
"Rarely can a response make something better, what makes something better is connection"