As I was continuing to marinate on what kind of feminist am I?
A friend sent me this:
That feels right to me. I like it a lot and I appreciate her sending that to me because she helped close the gap for me and reminded me....as the publisher of Expanded Family Magazine I've had the honor to work with people globally, expanding my world view. I haven't had the inspiration to publish another magazine because the world is far too intense and the topics are just super charged in a way that it doesn't feel safe to publish anything at this time. It’s also completely possible a new magazine will eventually surface. I just don’t know
I don't know how else to explain that either. I can share this:
Our last issue was all about Humanity and Human Sexuality. Our actual biggest statistics on what readers were most interested in reading was the human sexuality articles. That is where readers spent the most time. The article on Blueberries as a natural viagra was the top runner.
Somehow, this video came into my consciousness after my friend sent me that indigenous image. Letting me know, I'm for everyone.
It doesn't matter to me if woman is replaced with being in touch with one's feminine side, mother earth or nature....
What Kind of Feminist Am I?
That actually happened in my marriage after Donovan died.
At that time I still had a brace around my incision, my breasts were still milked out and all that stuff. The doctor gave me sleeping pills. Those sleeping pills gave me anxiety instead of rest. I tried to drink a bottle of wine. That didn’t work either. In fact, that just made me feel more depressed. Finally, I turned to my husband because the pain moving through my body was too much for me and I just wanted to "Feel Good."
Sex was momentary relief and it was right back to not being able to be in my own skin.
There was nothing and no one who could help me. I could have just sat with that pain, but I didn't know how to do that back then.
It was awful, and completely unmanageable.
I was pretty raw for a long time. Not on the outside but on the inside. Every therapy. Every modality. Everything helped "a little bit" and nothing helped enough.
Even a few years later. A Shaman healer was coming to town. He was the real deal. So I went to him too. He knew nothing about me. There was no paper work to fill out or information shared. He just got to work. I could feel things happening inside of my body. I could literally feel something pulling on my uterus. The pulling sensation was happening some place deep inside. As if my uterus was being pulled in such a way -my pelvic bone was being lifted off the ground. After that happened I felt this Beautful empty sensation. I felt something being lifted. In a similar way, when I was studying colon hydrotherapy and i felt this intense pressure until this massive parasite moved out of my body and when it did my sadness/depression was gone. I will never forget that moment or the moment when the shaman healer told me what he had to do.
He explained it to me through words I could understand. I had somehow managed to generate barbed wire around my root chakra. That something Awful must have happened that hurt me so deeply, I was carrying this barbed wire around my uterus as self protection and that I was blaming myself for something.
He blew my mind when he said that because he knew nothing about me, about Donovan, about anything.
This and many other things were all the things I was experiencing in the 90’s. You really can’t do that kind of deep work on yourself, experience a collection of outside the norm communities that actually help you without being changed. But then that makes you weird. Not just off a little bit but-truly, oddly - weird.
Time goes by
You begin to see people in their fullness rather than what the world glorifies in them. You know everyone is wearing a mask and you're super excited to know what's underneath that mask, because you know there are things there with everyone.
Time goes by
People begin to tell you their deepest darkest secrets and their deepest darkest secrets aren't all that much of a secret to you.
Mostly you’re just glad they shared because you know that just having the space to share can give that person the lift off or power to move through their secret shame. Yes, I have heard this before, in fact many times. The expectation is empathy or the expectation is-hate that other person on my behalf but you can't do that because life and people have hurt you too and you never got any better through hating.
Time goes by:
You can smell things now. You can smell the difference between a story that is stuck in feel sorry for me and a story that is truly painful for someone. And either way, it’s not your job to punish a person for where they are. You just begin to plant seeds. If they take root or not is not your business.
Time goes by:
The next thing you know you’re almost 50 years old. You’ve been on the earth almost half of a century. In retrospect and through culture now you recognize you've been working on your own #Metoo's and your own human sexuality for approximately twenty three years and two months and all that the world is shocked to learn isn't a shock to you in any way, shape or form because you've been a woman and have many women in your life who all have their variation of #Metoo and the women who don't have that, good for them. They are lucky. Very very lucky and if you are lucky, be grateful rather than judge the women who have not been as lucky as you. (that's my motto anyway)
We see what we want to see and we glorify half a person most of the time and we just think that's the whole person and it's never the whole person.
Gwyneth Paltrow touched on this not that long ago on instagram. She does this thing where you can ask her questions. Someone asked her how it's possible that she doesn't drink a little wine with having this massive company and two children. She got right on there and said "What makes you think I don't drink wine? I DO" Letting all the women, all the mothers who look at her know... I am the same as you.
That's the process, we love people, but then we glorify them and compare them to ourselves and then we don't love them all that much. Until they let us know, they are as human as us.
The Third Act: The last three decades of life....
She speaks on coming across the book A Mans Search for Meaning by Viktor E Frankl.
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning
She articulates, it's not having experience that makes us wise, it's reflecting on those experiences that make us wise.
"Older women are the largest demographic in the world...."
Now, I'm actually still in my late forties, so I'm not in the third act just yet but I'm heading that way rather rapidly.
I have spent almost a quarter of my life reflecting and moving through things.
I know she's still hated for her history, however - that to me... makes her wisdom gained all that much more valuable. To be hated on the level she was hated? There are a lot of people who could never absorb that kind of thing. To be out there, living fully, fully living making mistakes along the way and sometimes BIG ONES....you will be loved, hated, loved and hated again.
She speaks on aging as an ascending a staircase of spiritual evolution vs just getting old. I love that a lot. However the key there isn't aging, it's self reflection. You see this in movies like "The Mirror has Two Faces" where Rose's mother articulates how cruel it is to leave an old person alone with their thoughts and through that reflection she gave her daughter something she felt her daughter needed to see.
If I am activated, I'm a yes. If I am triggered I try to work through my triggers and if I am both.... I just do my own inner work and see what that leads to
Essence Esoteric feminism? Is that a thing?
I was thinking a lot about accountability vs justice...
That's for another day