More like...working toward restoring the quality of my own physiology. I haven't written in this blog for over a month! There was just too much going on that needed the fullness of my attention while that co-existed with not having the desire to write in this particular blog.
This blog is simply...my evolving personal journal of my own life experiences as I'm experiencing them. Shared with anyone who cares to read how I take what is true for me and how I move it where I want it to go...just in the realm of me being me. Two weeks ago, what I felt was, I needed to be spending all of my extra time writing my books, so that's what I did. Now I feel I'm back on track there. Now I have other things I want to restore...this blog happens to be one of them.
This blog is simply...my evolving personal journal of my own life experiences as I'm experiencing them. Shared with anyone who cares to read how I take what is true for me and how I move it where I want it to go...just in the realm of me being me. Two weeks ago, what I felt was, I needed to be spending all of my extra time writing my books, so that's what I did. Now I feel I'm back on track there. Now I have other things I want to restore...this blog happens to be one of them.
The holiday season is in full swing here in Honolulu and I'm recognizing my social limits. It's moment to moment with me at this time. Which means I'm going to intentionally move into the invite "maybe" zone as a way to not have anyone feel anything personal. Which also means I have to go back and change some of my yes's to maybe's.
As I've already said yes and then no three times and I don't like to do that. I like my yes's to be full and to be my word. I surely wish I had the fullness in holiday spirit to accept all invitations. Yet, that is not where I am at this time. It's not a matter of loving any group of people more, or less as much as it's a matter of timing and only being able to know what feels like too much and what doesn't in that moment.
As I've already said yes and then no three times and I don't like to do that. I like my yes's to be full and to be my word. I surely wish I had the fullness in holiday spirit to accept all invitations. Yet, that is not where I am at this time. It's not a matter of loving any group of people more, or less as much as it's a matter of timing and only being able to know what feels like too much and what doesn't in that moment.
Holiday Ham
I had agreed to make a Holiday Ham for our Hula Christmas party, even before my Father died. Not having a crystal ball or knowing anything really. The ham was a thing for me this year. Above is the cherry glaze I used on my holiday ham and it was always my Dad's absolute favorite. In fact, I wouldn't even made it otherwise. The evolution of Xmas Eve...as a child, we went to my grandmothers and there were all these weird fish dishes :) (which I'd probably love now but as a child...they were weird to me) Xmas eve evolved to my parents house, then when my son was born. Eventually my parents and my grandmother came to my house for xmas eve. You know, little humans change the game in this way. Even post divorce, my parents and my grandmother still came to my house on xmas eve. Not for me, for my son. That magical time in a child's life that moves so quickly. To not miss that..it's a thing.
I'd make the ham and my Dad was happy from the moment he walked in the door and could smell it. I'd catch him in the kitchen dipping his ham in the cherry juices. Sometimes my brothers were there too, not always though. It was open to whomever, whenever. Then our tradition shifted again to returning to my parents for xmas eve and my grandmother drifted to her other great grandchildren as well. All just family moving and shifting.
Through it all...there was this ham. For some reason, my Dad just loved the way I made it. Sometimes my mother would call me "So your dad was wondering if you're going to make that ham" LOL She was so cute in that way...always wanting his happiness. Really sweet.
So Saturday, all throughout my little studio...it smelled like all the christmas eve's I've ever cooked that ham for my Dad. For my Dad and eventually for my Dad and my son...you know...All day I'm smelling this wonderful smell that endears and warms my heart...
I needed to be in that, I think.
I think it's this process of weaving all the love together. Perhaps it isn't about moving on or letting go but rather...allowing ourselves to weave it all together because when we do, we can trace all the things we did just because we loved that person that much, not just what they did because they loved us that much. The fullness that exists in the thread to make each other happy and then we get to feel good about the space in between ourselves and another person. Weaving.... it all.
Perhaps its the expansion of that saying: "don't be sad because it's over, be happy that it happened" thing.... you know?
So I brought the holiday ham to our Hula Party
I'd make the ham and my Dad was happy from the moment he walked in the door and could smell it. I'd catch him in the kitchen dipping his ham in the cherry juices. Sometimes my brothers were there too, not always though. It was open to whomever, whenever. Then our tradition shifted again to returning to my parents for xmas eve and my grandmother drifted to her other great grandchildren as well. All just family moving and shifting.
Through it all...there was this ham. For some reason, my Dad just loved the way I made it. Sometimes my mother would call me "So your dad was wondering if you're going to make that ham" LOL She was so cute in that way...always wanting his happiness. Really sweet.
So Saturday, all throughout my little studio...it smelled like all the christmas eve's I've ever cooked that ham for my Dad. For my Dad and eventually for my Dad and my son...you know...All day I'm smelling this wonderful smell that endears and warms my heart...
I needed to be in that, I think.
I think it's this process of weaving all the love together. Perhaps it isn't about moving on or letting go but rather...allowing ourselves to weave it all together because when we do, we can trace all the things we did just because we loved that person that much, not just what they did because they loved us that much. The fullness that exists in the thread to make each other happy and then we get to feel good about the space in between ourselves and another person. Weaving.... it all.
Perhaps its the expansion of that saying: "don't be sad because it's over, be happy that it happened" thing.... you know?
So I brought the holiday ham to our Hula Party
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It was a beautiful evening with lots of fun games, good food, good laughs, good vibes, singing, dancing and all the feel good holiday cheer. And this adorable "Selfie" where two of the Hula Sisters Husbands Photo bombed us. How cute is that :)
FOMO. The Fear Of Missing Out: How that fear is missing inside me.
With me, nothing has to happen for me to not attend or not want to go to any event. All that is, a lot of the time is me having access to what I can and can't handle socially and what my highest priorities are to take care of myself and my own life. It's just me, fully responsible for my own life.
My love and affinity doesn't change or shift. And sometimes that's hard for people to grasp.
As a general rule of thumb... even without my current need to listen to my own physiology at this time.
That's why I love and deeply appreciate the people in my life who understand where I am and they don't push or force or try to guilt trip me into being some place I'm not. That they don't take my changing my mind personally. That they trust our connection enough and they have enough empathy and compassion to get... we are all struggling with something and this too shall pass.
So this is my return to this blog....of me being me...
baby steps
Stay tuned
My love and affinity doesn't change or shift. And sometimes that's hard for people to grasp.
As a general rule of thumb... even without my current need to listen to my own physiology at this time.
That's why I love and deeply appreciate the people in my life who understand where I am and they don't push or force or try to guilt trip me into being some place I'm not. That they don't take my changing my mind personally. That they trust our connection enough and they have enough empathy and compassion to get... we are all struggling with something and this too shall pass.
So this is my return to this blog....of me being me...
baby steps
Stay tuned
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