This blog is simply...my evolving personal journal of my own life experiences as I'm experiencing them. Shared with anyone who cares to read how I take what is true for me and how I move it where I want it to go...just in the realm of me being me. Two weeks ago, what I felt was, I needed to be spending all of my extra time writing my books, so that's what I did. Now I feel I'm back on track there. Now I have other things I want to restore...this blog happens to be one of them.
As I've already said yes and then no three times and I don't like to do that. I like my yes's to be full and to be my word. I surely wish I had the fullness in holiday spirit to accept all invitations. Yet, that is not where I am at this time. It's not a matter of loving any group of people more, or less as much as it's a matter of timing and only being able to know what feels like too much and what doesn't in that moment.
I'd make the ham and my Dad was happy from the moment he walked in the door and could smell it. I'd catch him in the kitchen dipping his ham in the cherry juices. Sometimes my brothers were there too, not always though. It was open to whomever, whenever. Then our tradition shifted again to returning to my parents for xmas eve and my grandmother drifted to her other great grandchildren as well. All just family moving and shifting.
Through it all...there was this ham. For some reason, my Dad just loved the way I made it. Sometimes my mother would call me "So your dad was wondering if you're going to make that ham" LOL She was so cute in that way...always wanting his happiness. Really sweet.
So Saturday, all throughout my little studio...it smelled like all the christmas eve's I've ever cooked that ham for my Dad. For my Dad and eventually for my Dad and my son...you know...All day I'm smelling this wonderful smell that endears and warms my heart...
I needed to be in that, I think.
I think it's this process of weaving all the love together. Perhaps it isn't about moving on or letting go but rather...allowing ourselves to weave it all together because when we do, we can trace all the things we did just because we loved that person that much, not just what they did because they loved us that much. The fullness that exists in the thread to make each other happy and then we get to feel good about the space in between ourselves and another person. Weaving.... it all.
Perhaps its the expansion of that saying: "don't be sad because it's over, be happy that it happened" thing.... you know?
So I brought the holiday ham to our Hula Party
FOMO. The Fear Of Missing Out: How that fear is missing inside me.
My love and affinity doesn't change or shift. And sometimes that's hard for people to grasp.
As a general rule of thumb... even without my current need to listen to my own physiology at this time.
That's why I love and deeply appreciate the people in my life who understand where I am and they don't push or force or try to guilt trip me into being some place I'm not. That they don't take my changing my mind personally. That they trust our connection enough and they have enough empathy and compassion to get... we are all struggling with something and this too shall pass.
So this is my return to this blog....of me being me...