I slept solidly, waking up fully rested on day 20 of my cycle. The next 7 days is where I will be able to know if this nightly yoga experiment works for me. In any one of the next 7 days, it is possible for me to get insomnia on any of those days. The insomnia isn't something I can pin point day wise.
Insomnia is what I'm trying to handle with the evening yoga. I've also changed the time of my second TM because TM is deep rest. A little earlier for the second one..I think will also help.
I still don't "Love," Yoga but I do love purple LOL and I thought it was cute my toe nails match my yoga mat. I also like the way I feel the next day after nightly yoga...call me crazy, but I feel taller...
We shall see how this goes
As I lean in, I'm realizing -it lives mostly in the realm of writing and wanting to complete what I'm doing but also...it's about communication.
It's a bit of a let down for me when men tell me how attractive it is to them that I live alone and can handle my own life. Particularly after telling me stories of their ex's and how they believe in the 50/50 relationship and stories of "forcing her to pay for things," or "Setting her straight." These things are said in such a way-these men are comparing me to another woman and I think they expect me to put her down as they are doing that, however, what I hear is who they are, not who the woman is or was.
What I hear is men doing the same exact nonsense women do to each other: That whole comparing thing. It's a bit of a red flag for me personally. It does not make me feel all warm and fuzzy when someone feels they need to put another person down to build me up. What it makes me feel is icky and when I dig a little deeper, there is always more to the story anyway. In the same way that one person asked me the question in a very degrading, minimizing judgmental tone "Were you "just," a housewife?" Again saying more about that person than any woman who decides to be a housewife. (Rather than just about me) I am like this. I just don't like it when humans who aren't women put women down. In the same way I don't like it when women put each other down. It's this whole thing with me. There is no getting to know me. There is just you live alone in Waikiki. It's weird. The shit people make up or decide on their own as they compare. If there was actual intimacy and my kindness or ease in hearing something felt good and different from an ex partner, that's a different story.
The other big thing seems to be: "She did me dirty" this usually means with money or with another man (I'm learning) and instead of me being all "I can't believe she did that to YOU!!!!! Bad woman!" I'm all "Anyone can make a mistake, can't you forgive her?" The shocked expressions that come across humans faces when I ask this question, is comical.
One gentlemen said "You could do something like stab me and I would probably forgive you for the violence but another man? No fucking way." I was like "Woah Nelly! Gosh darn! It is true, people are much more comfortable with violence than they are with anything of a sexual nature.
Hate her-is considered normal. Forgive her is considered very weird. That fascinates me.
Forgiveness for human mistakes made inside of relationships or connections seem to be subjective and depends. Doesn't it? Doesn't loving someone include forgiveness? How far do we go? I don't know the whole story, there is always more to the story...I'm just thinking out loud.
MOST IMPORTANTLY: I'm so messy sometimes in who I am as a woman, I can't be going on dates with humans who are not able to forgive mistakes cause I make them all the time in my humanly flawed way of being. haha
As if that wasn't enough......then comes the "I will always love her more than any other woman, I just can't be with her." And I think, good to know and that's an additional no for me
"Don't want to be with her (can't forgive), but will always love her more than anyone....would you like to go on a date?"
Um, great offer and no, thank you and thank you for your honesty.
Those one and done types are very interesting in that way. Like penguins. A penguin who already has their penguin but is making the choice not to be with their penguin-that makes no sense to me personally. I'm going through a phase....I think...
In addition to that, this other person contacts me via text. I don't know the number and there is no name with the number either. I live in a transient place. This means people come and go daily. I clean out my texts once every two weeks to keep battery power and once every few months to get rid of those who I have not seen or heard from in months. I don't know who this person is and when I asked....what I heard was
"I will give you a day to figure it out..."
I didn't even know what to say to that except:
The other problem is, I live an orgasmic life. Therefore, giving me a hint in the name of my "orgasm," tells me absolutely nothing. I can't feel bad about that. That would be silly
So now...all I have is a random phone number with a human who I clearly have not heard from or connected with in months -and he's giving me a day to figure who he is out and one hint...?
I'm sorry, I am a no...again.
All of a sudden....i'm Meghan Trainor....
I'm in this weird space of....no
My name is no, my sign is no, my number is no
blasé stage of some sort. (and I don't dig withholding-that one seems reasonable to me personally)
I was thinking about it though...the penguin guy. Good guy, funny, charming, very good looking, worldly...could totally have fun with him..and still...I felt like I'd rather be writing or practicing hula....
The Withhold guy....he reminds me of that Alanis Morissette song lyrics in
"Be a good girl
You've gotta try a little harder"
That's just not me....
Interesting song intended for parent/child stuff but the theme feels the same to me...
Be a good girl
You've gotta try a little harder
That simply wasn't good enough
To make us proud
Be a good boy
Push a little farther now
That wasn't fast enough
To make us happy
We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect
That's it for now...