How Strong is your Spine?

I'm going to speak to fathers however, this applies to any parent. 
 
Imagine yourself and the mother of your children as your child’s developing spinal cord. 
Imagine the central nervous system of your child to be divided between the spinal cord (you and their mom) and the Brain (the child)
 
 
As the developing spinal cord of your child- you and mom are the communication highway to the child's brain. 
 

The Brain (Child) collects information through sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch. Everything they see you do, how you say what you say, what you cook them for dinner (The Yum/Yuck factor) and what your touch feels like to them. 
As the important messengers of the Brain (Child) when you injure each other, you injure the Brain (child) 
Spinal cord injuries can easily disrupt the brain (child.) And this comes out in: Speech, walking, movement, core thoughts, perceptions and emotions. 
 
Every time you focus on what's wrong with mom and you let the children know what's wrong with mom, you are part of the cause of the disruption in the brain of the child. 
 
This will come out in their speech, their ability to move in the world, their core thoughts about themselves, their perception of themselves, and their emotions. These are the things that are often at the heart of their behavioral changes.
 
You understand how this works if you ever experienced that moment where you wake up one day, lean over to pick something up from the floor and *Crack! Your back is OUT! Suddenly, you can't think straight. Your mood changes. You're a different human. 
Perhaps you're a grumpy bear now because you are in some serious pain. It’s in it’s acute stage however, that pain usually does not stem from the simple act of bending over. It's usually an accumulation of many things through time. Perhaps it's bad posture or even an old football injury that flairs up every few years. 
There is a connection between the past and the present and how that leads directly into your immediate future. Unless you become mindful, present and take care of your spine on the daily. 
 
This is what the women in your life have been trying to tell you or this is what your children, teens and young adult children are trying to tell you directly or indirectly. 

So I ask you, how strong is your own spine? 
 
Now imagine the development of your own central nervous system. Your parents are your spinal cord and you are the brain.


You see where I am going with this, don’t you?
 
I ask you this because the starting point for everything you need to know about why you can or can’t relate, connect or get along with the most important women in your life- begins within the development of your own central nervous system. 


Strengthening your own core is your best defense to the concerned maternal or the feminine chaotic. 
 
Remember though: an indication of a strong core is: the ability to be both strong and flexible. 
 
How this looks in a co-parenting relationships:
 

A weak core response:                 “Just get over it already!”
 
A Strong core response: “You sound frustrated, what do you need?

A weak core response:               “This isn’t about you!”
 
A Strong core response:        “I understand you’re upset, let’s come up with a solution”
 
 
 
This is the beginning point of ninja communication aka reverent communication. 
 
If you want to stop loosing your cool every time the maternal or feminine chaotic heads your way: Strengthen your core.
 
WARNING: There is a very good chance, if you’ve been showing up with a weak core-her response might be suspicious or she may not even know what she needs. Should this happen, just remain strong in your core because that will be the beginning point of her ability to figure out what her real needs are.
You can’t control what she needs and you may not be able to give her what she needs.
All you can do is be strong in your own core. That means, keeping it simple and on point in the face of the various energies the concerned maternal or the feminine chaotic brings to the table.
 
 
 
The most important thing you can do is decide what kind of father you are and be that kind of father to your children so fully that you are not easily taken off track.
 
 
I’m going to tell you the same thing I tell my mom clients:
 

1. Your children have the mother that they have. Period, end of story. If you want to be a positive healthy influence on her or your children: you have to strengthen your own core  

 
(Working with mothers we call this SELF-LOVE) and remember she is a part of your child’s developing spinal cord too, no matter what she’s done to you.

1. Please stop telling your children half of their spine is messed up, screwed up,                   bad, or a terrible mother.

That’s not cool. Even if it’s true, it’s so not cool to damage your own child’s spine, please do not weaken them in this way.

1. Spend your time strengthening and building your children up instead of spending your time putting their mother down.

Think about what you want them to learn from you, rather than focusing on what you do not want them to learn from their mother.
 
Strengthen your core
 
 
 
As far as your marriage goes: Let’s use an anatomy analogy for that too, you ready?
 
 
Imagine yourself and your wife as the developmental spinal cord of your marriage…
 
 
You get it, Right?
 

​My name is Christina Marie. Aka The Bio-Stepmom Peace Negotiator. I work with the most important women in your lives. Biological mothers, stepmothers and sometimes your mother, or maybe even the relationship between your now wife and your sister. It really just depends on whichever two women are unable to create harmony with one another. My priority is a woman’s physiology. (her health and well-being) I use three pillars in my work: Self-love, open-heart and reverent communication. Because I believe when a woman loves herself, she can open her heart and once she is full in those two areas she can be reverent in her communication. This benefits you and the children in every way.

Where Expanded Stepfamily and Love Affair with Thy Self Co-Exist 

Freedom to Express all that we are and all that we feel through movement, music and higher body/mind states. 



​

©Expanded Consciousness LLC

DISCLAIMER 

*This Musical-Exercise is not intended as a substitute for the medical, health or alternative healing advice of physicians, therapists or mental health care professionals. The reader should regularly consult a physician, therapist or mental health care provider in matters relating to his/her health, safety, or emotional well-being, particularly; with respect to any symptoms that may require diagnosis or medical attention and/or more specifically, as it relates to any and all mental illness or substance abuse issues. It also requires the adults who facilitate the experience to be prepared to handle anything that comes out of a child's mouth with acceptance. Therefore, it's important that parents do their own inner emotional work prior to designing. 

Here's how it works:
Everyone in the family picks their own two songs. Or there are just two songs.... (Whatever the family wants) 


The first song intention is to get the positive, fun and happiness juices flowing through the body/mind. Whatever song makes any person in the family feel the happiest, would be their song.

These three selections are some of the more popular for family affinity and fun. Particularly when Dad dances to Beyoncé. That has the power to cause anything from giggles to...oh my god Dad...no... Either way, it really brings out the love and laughter

The second song intention is to be honest yet kind about what is hard to express.

Perhaps things that upset, hurt or angered someone.

The beauty and benefit of this being designed to happen after all that happiness (and while our bodies are in movement)  is the things that bother us or the things we haven't said becomes a little safer to say because it's being said with intention and as the body is already in movement and....no one is being blindsided. 

The younger the child, the less this part is necessary.

Mostly what parents discover is...children are often receptive to feeling joy and happiness, they sometimes have a hard time finding anything to really share. Depending on their age and with older siblings... there has to be some mindfulness and rules. Just in case. Again, depending on the connections. 
The parents are in charge and fully responsible for setting this up with everyone's emotional capacity in mind.

And often, many families decide to skip this second part when they want a little extra affinity circulating through the house first. To lighten the space and connections so when they do use this second part-there are happy memories existing when it's done. That can be very important for the success of this experience when the tension is or has been thick. However, it's just as likely doing both songs will bring that lightness back to the surface. 

This is very powerful experience for many families. People often worry about the second song however, sometimes, people have a hard time holding all the good that comes flowing out of their family members. 

As an example: 

In one home, the father/Stepfather was so overwhelmed by how generous the children were with him, he couldn't handle it because below that, he was struggling with addiction and felt so much guilt and shame, the goodness that was happening-he wasn't able to hold or accept it. Again, it's really important to be emotionally responsible, very aware and mindful. Both adults in the house have to be true leaders. I'm talking about being able to take in, not just all the feedback that may not be so great, but also how very deeply good some children's desires are and how much they love. 
(This is also why parents loving themselves is very important) 

Here are three of many songs families like to pick for the second part. 

If done well, with the intention of being a family that has the capacity to be emotionally honest in healthy and constructive ways-what everyone will experience is a sense of being heard at a level that lightens the entire house and often, very often...brings happiness and closeness because everyone has shared in a very full bodied way with each person as individuals and then as a family everyone feels heard, valued and the love goes up. It's actually beautiful to behold when that happens

If you've already worked through the Navigational Skills for Stepfamilies Workbook, you already have a foundational platform for what it means to work together to create a safe container for your stepfamily. You can just review these three chapters. That's all you would need for the foundation set up to design and facilitate your own experience and always at any time you can chose to just do the first half and you can stop the second half if it isn't working or if you want more time to design it. If you haven't read the simple but powerful workbook, it's a very easy read and it's under 10 dollars. 

The three chapters: 


You, Navigating Yourself...........................112
You, as a Couple, Navigating Together...115
Creating Value Systems.............118 

In the end the goal is to be a family that can grow into itself. To be honest with one another, free, happy and feel safe with all of their feelings and have a way to express without it becoming overly charged or being resentful for years because you didn't share your truth moment to moment all along the way. 

Brilliant simplicity at it's finest. 

To create a space of lightheartedness with the deeper intention to allow room (and have permission) to share the harder emotions while already in movement, while already feeling good in our body/mind is, if nothing else, This is also:
Brilliant simplicity. 

It's been my repeated experience that it is the parents who need more guidelines and rules than the children do. (Sorry folks) As an example, the more simple, short and sweet you keep this-the better your results will be. Parents must be prepared (in advance) to hear words like: hypocrite without getting hurt, offended, defensive or angry.

That word is by far, the most popular one for children of all ages who are old enough to understand what a hypocrite is.

It really isn't anything to get upset about because most parents are that on some level about something. They just don't know it. 

Imagine your 8 year old looking lovingly in your eyes to tell you what's amazing about you, filling you up with all the love they feel and all the ways they feel loved by you. Then the song changes and the only thing they have to say is that one word. 

It doesn't matter if you are 5 or 50, it's always just a little easier to swallow that kind of feedback when you know you are loved and you have heard all about how much you are loved and how much you do right.

However, today's parents are sometimes have an obsession with perfection and if a parents identity is all wrapped up in being the perfect parent....that word can really hit a parent rather hard. It's best to be prepared for anything.

However, if that does come out, it is also my repeated experience when parents take the time to be still and reflect, they often decide to make some adjustments so they walk their talk and talk their walk. It is not something anyone can force. It is always up to the parent. 

This becomes one of the greatest opportunities to grow and build. To mend fences while building bridges. You will often hear intact parents moving through similar experiences. They make adjustments along the way where and when they can. And if they can't, they don't. 

At the same time, you may see some tears. Some tears of endearment, of being touched, of experiencing beauty, of hearing your own child come out with the most beautiful sentence about you that becomes one of your best memories. 

If it becomes or gets or felt like a lot....the whole family can put some of those first songs on and all dance together to close the experience in high vibes. 

Always remember this is your family, your home, your loved ones, your tribe and always do whatever works for you. Change it up any way you want but it is my recommendation to keep it as simple as possible. You want to be able to do this and have it that all of the children want to do it too because their over all experience is a positive one.

It's a simple, fast and effective way to generate goodness and harmonize in reverent time. 

It's highly likely when a parent/stepparent work together for the greater good of everyone in their home (no matter who is bio and who is step) because there is movement mindfulness, thought put in and happiness generated with a clear intention.... it is often a beautiful process. 

The eye contact allows that exchange to be full bodied. Leaving the sender and the receiver connected in being heard and hearing. ​

Every family member gets to share and respond to every family member 

1st song
Person 1-Share-response.
Person 2-Share-response.


2nd song
Person 1-Share-response
Person 2- Share response.


The job of the people who aren't in the center of the circle is to witness and support the two family members in the middle.
However the rule is no interference.


The practice there is to allow the two people to work out what is living in the space between them without interfering. For parents this is an excellent opportunity to witness, pay attention, be fully present and listen reverently without interfering. While also noticing how hard that may be for you and why. Do not try to control the energy flow between two people as they are in it. Do not help them. Just let them flow *Remember they are in movement, at a distance while making eye contact. *Remember parents are responsible for age appropriate flow and knowing how to structure to keep everyone safe emotionally. 


Some common simple feedback with Song 1

 "I love when you...



I love when you hug me.
I love when you let us eat pizza.
I love when you make me laugh.
"You're one of my favorite people 
You're the best.
You're really talented.
You're the greatest athlete.
You're very smart.
I am happy to have the best mommy in the world.
I love when you read to me at night. It makes me feel special.
I love how you love all of the children.
I love the father that you are.
I can't imagine my life without you.
You are the love of my life.
***Remember when people share this their bodies will be in motion and their bodies have been in motion...
***Remember you do not have to do the second part of this if this is not what you want to do. The adults are in charge and make their own decisions/choices/ 

Song 2 Simple feedback "It doesn't feel good..." 

It doesn't feel good when you talk while I'm trying to sleep.
I didn't feel good when  you punched me in the arm at the park.
It doesn't feel right when you  tell me one thing and you don't do it yourself
(Another way to say I don't love that you are hypocritical)
It doesn't feel good that you  won't let me stay out past 9 pm.
I doesn't feel good that  you wouldn't have a catch with me the other day.
It doesn't feel good that you're always paying way too much attention to me.
It doesn't feel good when I want your attention and you tell me not now.


It doesn't feel good that you won't help me with the dishes.
It doesn't feel good when you come home with another 400 dollar dress.


*Adult exchanges -mindfulness and age appropriateness. You are keeping it light and about the small things the kids already know you don't like because they live with you. You are teaching emotional honesty while also teaching healthy caring responses. The children know mommy isn't happy when daddy doesn't do the dishes and the children know daddy isn't happy when mommy buys a 400 dollar dress. They are there when that happens. They see you and they feel you. Therefore, what you are building with them is trust because they know what you are saying is true.
****I am aware I am generalizing and gender stereotyping. Im just keeping it simple for the sake of simplicity.

The response to any and all feedback is always the same. Any variation of 

Hugs are always a good Idea too.

However, it's really important not to make any heavy duty declarations or promises at this time.

It's best to allow a process to take place and come back when you have thought something through. If you are being called a hypocrite by a teenager because you have a glass a wine on friday nights and won't let them do so, that isn't what it means to be a hypocrite. 
Leaning in, leaning out, processing, thinking, letting it marinate....if it's accurate, inaccurate, manipulative, straight up, hitting the bullseye or not. 
The only responses still are: 

It doesn't have to be all of them, it can be one or two or three, whatever fits the moment. 


​It's not about changing anyone or fixing anything or doing anything. That will happen organically or not depending what is in everyone's heart. Sometimes, when older siblings hear from the younger ones just how much they look up to them, it touches them in such a way where their affinity rises and they decide on their own to be nicer and less annoyed. ​

It is through the heart space that connection happens, deepens and endears us to one another. ​

Adults/Leaders/Facilitators
Similar process as Navigational Skills for Stepfamilies
Prepare/Organize

2 intentional songs (or just the first one) 

Circle-distance-eye contact

Share-Respond (keep it simple)

Every person has a turn with every person
​
​Feel free to close with a family song that everyone is dancing and feel good.

Again, you may notice and experience a deeper connection with everyone, a more harmonious flow, children who were annoyed with one another may get along on their own (they may not) 
You can reflect as the parent/Stepparent-discuss and create wonderful solution oriented experiences or make changes if you want to, or accept what is if you want to

As always, this is your family, your life, your choice, your loved ones, your opportunity. If there is already harmony and you just want to feel good and have everyone in the house feel even better than they already do...Song one....can make that happen

​Mostly, it's been my repeated experience...people love you more than you think they do. Once all expressions are shared...it's usually right there...

​Some of these interviews started with a recorded audio of chapter one. “Lack of Awareness”; while other interviews, had been a series of questions asked and answered.
The younger the child, the less questions asked and the more the audio of “lack of awareness” was used. Mostly, those required parental consent and an agreement to just let each child express what their personal experience is and how they felt naturally. If they wanted to talk, they could. If they didn’t want to talk, they didn’t have to.
All the children ages 6 to 12 had an experience of being able to fully relate and understand every word in that chapter: Feelings of being bounced around from house to house, the confusion, the chaos and the desire for mom and dad to get back together. Also, from these children’s little world views; adult’s actions and ways of being don’t make sense to them. Their awareness of the adults mixed messages and their ability to understand what was going on between the adults, surprised many of the parents. It’s sometimes difficult for parents to realize children are paying attention, often even while they are playing and just being children. By using “lack of awareness” many of these children’s parents became aware and present to just how much children actually understand.
Teenagers seemed to be less generous with their parent’s humanism’s, and more generous with themselves and the advantages of their own ability to handle challenges and diversity which they believe stems from what they consider having an abnormal family background. Yet, at the same time, they seem to find a safe harbor in all of their peers who have similar backgrounds. I heard “Hypocrites that’s the word I’d use to describe my parents” “They are crazy, I’m more mature than they are,” or “what a joke, they can’t even have a conversation about me without fighting” or “If they are going to act all friendly and flirt with each other, why the hell did they get divorced?”
As it relates to what they feel they gained by coming from a divorced/stepfamily situation I heard things like” I can fit into any situation and having different homes and different rules helped, I think” “I can get along with anyone,” or “I’m more open and understanding than many of my friends.” 

All of Navigational Skills for Stepfamily workbook materials are on Amazon only. Any other publisher, website or company does not have permission and they also don't have the material. Please don't let the internet scammers scam you...

​

A lot of love,
​Christina Marie

Women in stepfamilies fight  for superficial layers of respect when reverence would serve their sense of self and the children so much more.  A lot of us women have an incomplete, untold or unhealed story, the story of our lives which has us showing up in whatever way we are showing up. An unhealed story has a very specific vibration, just as-the story of a woman who finally gave herself permission to move from surviving to thriving has. 
The problem with invalidating a persons story while spitting back-too soon and without any reverence: “Don’t be a victim.” Or “Don’t be bitchy," is: unless you have walked in her 
My all time favorite invalidating interference masked under the illusion of “good advice,” for any woman (or person) who is on the path toward healing is: “Just get over it.”
I mean maybe just get over it, or maybe don’t worry so much about the pressure of just getting over it, and perhaps instead allow her the space to feel her own truth so deeply there is no place to run or hide as she learns how to to move through a little thing called HER LIFE. After all, discovering ourselves as we learn how to move through anything is a part of the path, a preventative tool with long term health benefits, in addition to; our sense of being capable as human beings.
Maybe as she tries her best to just get over it to please other people who can’t handle, hold or tolerate her: her psyche and her soul speaks louder:  “something is missing, something’s not right, this isn’t complete and no thank you,” again and again and again as whatever she is suppose to just get over pops right back up like a buoy in the water. Maybe women are not designed to just “get over it,” maybe we are designed to move through the stories of our lives in ways that help us heal until we learn how to do that with power, dignity and grace along the way and maybe that is how we can hold other women, giving them room to move through it too.  How is a woman ever going to learn how to get there if everyone keeps telling her to just be there already? 
 
I’m the queen of “maybe,” because I believe maybe carries the energy of: Something else may-be possible here and inside the realm of possibility and expansion the word maybe has a softness that says “try this on, see how it feels because you are the only person who knows what is true for you.” ​

Lovingly,
Christina Marie 

One of the biggest problems in stepfamily communities is the concept of what it means to “Detach.” In theory, it sounds so wise and smart. Practiced in stepfamilies though-what’s happening is not detachment as it’s intended. There are so many women running with detach as their biggest wisdom to give another woman and gosh, I really wish they would stop telling women to do that without any mindfulness or deeper consciousness on what happens to a woman’s heart, or what a child experiences when we give someone advice like “just detach.” without expanding upon what that means, feels like, looks like and how you know you are applying it.
 
To detach doesn’t mean to suffer in silence and have that suffering leak out every other weekend. Having the ability to detach is much broader and requires something much greater of us than deciding we have to shut a part of our hearts down and not care. Detachment is actually caring very much while getting out of the way- in the places you have no control of or business being in anyway. Detachment does not mean: withhold love, ignore while secretly seething or invalidate someone’s existence. These are the elements those “statistics,” aren’t measuring. How can you actually measure that anyway? Many humans in stepfamilies are not detached, they are just disconnected and disconnection puts relationships in a danger zone.
If you have mastered the art of detachment, there isn’t much to complain about because you’re free now to see the beauty that exists because you’re no longer focused in places that aren’t yours anyway. It really does take practice, time, space and reverence to become a master in the art of what it means to detach. 

Lovingly,
​Christina Marie